Outsourcing the Brain and Finding Your True Self

Justin Bieber

I- I- I was just thinking about how, like, when you go to therapy, it's just you. It's you, staring at a wall or a couch, having to- to- to drag up every single little detail of your own life. And after a while, man, it's a drag. It's like, what did he say in the tape? "What a drag it is getting old, and lots of effort." But then- then you have these two people, Jenny and Craig, who just... they just step in and start talking about your life for you. They're processing your feelings, your views, your achievements, your tragedies... and you just get to sit back. It's like outsourcing your own brain, you know?

Roxanne

Mm, yeah. It's that, um... he calls it "cozy." And I- I really get that. Because when you are, like, 48 and you're just swamped with anxiety, the- the mental load of constantly explaining yourself... it's exhausting. To have someone else take the mic and, and, and speak for your feelings with compassion, it's like a, like a nervous system reset. It's wellness, really, because you're not- you're not performing. You're just being... witnessed.

Justin Bieber

Totally! It's like a warm blanket, man. Like, you don't have to explain yourself. They just get it. And- and it's not just them, right? It's like when Sadie... she brings up him walking into the Boise Albertsons. Like, actually walking through those doors by himself, wearing his gay pride hat. And Sadie says, "I'm so proud of Ryan." That specific mirror... man, that is a straight hit of dopamine. It makes you feel like you actually matter.

Roxanne

It really does. And, and, and what's interesting is how he contrasts that local, intimate validation with... with, like, the danger of doing too much research. Like, he's a researcher, right? He wants to look up, "Okay, what's the, uh, what's the score of encouragement for Jenny and Craig?" But then you find some, some group or some gang online with a really rude opinion, and everything goes southward, fast. It's like... are you going to pay attention to the media, or your own feelings?

Justin Bieber

Bro, yes! The media will straight up pick-pocket your identity if you let it. If you're constantly looking for what the crowd says, you lose that- that sweet spot of just knowing who you are. You gotta protect that Albertsons moment, you know? Like, you walked in, you had the hat on, it felt good. Don't go home and Google if wearing the hat was scientifically a good idea. Just feel the love, man.

Roxanne

Right, exactly. Because at 48... I mean, he's had plenty of time to try to make a friend. And he mentions people like Aaron, Richard, Duncan, Susan... even his dad and Stacy. But when you're deeply anxious, finding a true, safe connection where you don't feel judged... it's so rare. It's a daily practice of trying to find where you belong, without letting the outside noise ruin it.

Justin Bieber

But then you look at where he came from. Like, Rockwell City, Iowa. Man, that place sounds tight. Like, structurally tight. He talks about how back there, he felt like he couldn't be Screech and be gay at the same time. And he's got this friend, Mark Ditzenberger... they golf together, Mark's not a bad guy, but... Ryan's like, "I couldn't tell him I shave my legs." Like, he just knew Mark would probably laugh, and then he'd have to suppress it.

Roxanne

Yeah, the, the- the leg shaving. It's such a- a physical, daily thing. To feel like you have to hide that from a golfing buddy because of the... the history of laughter. He says Rockwell City just felt so confined. And, and that's why the geography matters so much. Boise, Idaho becomes this sanctuary. It's the place where she can finally say, "I'll be gay in Boise, and I'll be Roxanne."

Justin Bieber

Yes! "I'm a girl, not a boy. I don't play football. I'm not out to hit another boy." That's a massive shift. Like, dropping the whole tough-guy, football-playing act and just... stepping into being a girl. It's like shedding a whole suit of armor that was too heavy anyway.

Roxanne

It's a complete release of masculine expectation. And, and what I find so beautiful are the micro-bonds that help her get there. Like Duncan... she says Duncan find- finds "words out of the hat" to help her express herself. He's literally giving her the vocabulary, the terms to describe her own mind. And Sadie... Sadie looking at her junior high photo and just... smiling. No judgment, just a warm, genuine smile.

Justin Bieber

That junior high photo thing is huge. It's like, "Hey, this is who I was before all the suppression took over." And having someone look at it and just smile... that's the good stuff. That's the stuff that actually heals the old Rockwell City stuff where people ran over her feelings. It's wild how just a few right friends can make Boise feel like a whole different planet.

Roxanne

It really is. It shows you that wellness isn't just about, you know, sleep and diet. It's about where you are, and who is speaking your name. Anyway, I think we're good. Good chatting, Justin.

Justin Bieber

Yeah, peace out.